Just too much for me to handle.

I’m so tired of feeling so alone. I mean it’s obvious is it not? I don’t sleep good, I’m sad, I act like something is bothering me and it’s just too much. I’m literally breaking down emotionally. I cry and you just sleep right through it. I get you’ve been busy and I get you’re tired, but that doesn’t mean you should love me any less. You could at least try to make time for me and you don’t. I am seriously close to just giving up on trying. I’m slowly becoming more and more distant and I’m wondering when you’ll notice.

Flaws of Mine.

I’m beginning to notice that I have a horrible flaw.

I require entirely way too much attention.

Not in general, but when I am in a relationship. I am not sure how to work on it. I obviously have gotten past denial or this wouldn’t be here. Lol… Ugh. I mean I think it’s me. I’d rather blame the problem on myself rather than her either way. I just feel so alone sometimes. Like you’re literally two or three feet away from me but you’re on another couch when there is plenty of room next to me, is there a reason why you don’t want to sit next to me? I mean I am your girlfriend… Or am I just being over-needy?

Enough.

I’d give you the world, but it’s not enough. I’d give you my heart while it’s beating, but it’s not enough. I’d do anything to make you happy, but it’s not enough. I’d understand more than anyone else would, but it’s not enough. I’d sacrifice myself for you, but it’s not enough. I’d always be there, but it’s not enough. Nothing I do is enough. So what is enough?

It’s not something to play with.

I went to an AIDS/HIV seminar today. I learned a lot! 1 out of 5 people who haven’t been tested, have it and do not know it. You can have it for 5-10 years without getting symptoms. Over 30,000 people in NC have HIV knowingly and over 9,000 have full-blown AIDS knowingly in NC. That’s just the people who know. Also, the waiting list for HIV/AIDS medicine in NC  has over 700 people on it. Keep in mind that’s for medicine that costs $1600 a month. You can get it from blood, semen, vaginal fluid, and breast milk. You can only get it from human to human contact. It is possible to get it through tattoos because it can survive in ink. 100% bleach kills it, but unfortunately we cannot pump bleach into people. At the end of the seminar, the speaker told us she is HIV positive and has known for 30 years. She had to have an abortion because back when she found out, there was nothing they could do for pregnancy with HIV (she found out when she got pregnant). Now they have medicine you can take during your pregnancy, medicine for the baby when it is born, and then once born after 18 months the child gets a new immune system and can be HIV/AIDS free. After hearing her story and hearing the statistics, I got tested. I am negative, thank goodness. You may not be, so please go get tested. ALFA does FREE HIV/AIDS testing and all it takes is a finger prick and 15 minutes. Please go get tested, set up an appointment and do it. Better to be safe than sorry. ♥

ALFA is in NC, I am not sure about other states.

I did not choose to be gay, but I don’t wish otherwise either.

There’s this wonderful and amazing guy. He’s attractive, smart, kind, funny, and just everything. He brought me rose after he got off of work tonight and it made me really happy. It’s been awhile since someone has tried to “woo” me. I care about him, I truly do… And I do like him as if it were a crush. I just don’t feel like it’s going to happen. I can’t make myself do it. It just doesn’t feel right. It feels so horribly wrong and it just hurts so bad. He knows I like women. I’ve been completely honest and open with him. He knows exactly how I feel about everything and he is trying so hard. I don’t want to hurt him, but I can’t be miserable myself. So to anyone who believes I choose to be gay, you’re wrong. I was born this way and I honestly cannot help it. I’ve tried. I lost my virginity to a man and still cannot find myself attracted to them in the ways I need to be in order to have a productive relationship with one. I’m not going to regret who I am and wish I could change it, I just wish it didn’t hurt the people who like me.