Trying to find the words,
but they won’t come out.
It’s like writers block
and mixed feelings that you can’t sort out.
You don’t know what will cure it.
It just comes back.
It’s an amnesia,
a beautiful confusion.
It’s my life.
And I have yet to sort it out.
The morning was full of tears and they carried on all afternoon. I fought with my mother up until around 12:00pm when I suddenly found out that one of the greatest people in my life had a seizure and died. I loved Junior. He was an amazing 20 year old who made an impact on my life and he will never be forgotten. I love you Junior. R.I.P.
I’m hard-headed and stubborn, sensitive and emotional, and I am loving. Sometimes I am selfish, sometimes I am giving, and sometimes I forgive too much. I am chawnnkyyyy and I am beautiful. I am clumsy, I get embarrassed, I get jealous, and I get grumpy. I am always nervous, slightly panicky, and always faithful. I am very proud and very lucky. I am thoughtful and I think too much. I am healthy, I have a wonderful family who has been there since before day one, I have an amazing school, and a beautiful girlfriend who is more loving and understanding than anyone I know. I have a team I can turn to and the best friends a girl can ask for. I have a good life and sometimes I don’t realize it. I have things some people would die for and I could not ask for anything more. Who I am with does not change who I am and I appreciate everyone who has been there for me no matter what. I am so lucky and so thankful so thank you. ♥
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE
I want to know what it’s like…
To be normal. To be accepted. To be human. To be equal. To be free.
I want to know what it’s like…
To be open. To be heard. To be loved. To be happy. To be me.
I want to know what it’s like…
To feel like I belong.
To feel like I am strong.
That who I am isn’t wrong.
I want to know what it’s like…
To know that I am here.
That Iʼll make it through the year.
To know I wonʼt disappear.
I want to know what it’s like…
To not have to fight.
To see an end in sight.
To make what is wrong right.
I want to know what it’s like…
To be able to believe.
In a higher power that doesn’t see.
Me as sin or sodomy.
I want to know what it’s like…
To have liberty & justice for all
To break down this dividing wall
To remove homophobia from the law
I want to know what itʼs like…
To have a feeling that isn’t sad.
To have something that I’ve never had.
To have a child call me dad.
I want to know what it’s like…
To not feel like Iʼm a freak
To not feel like I am weak
To not be silenced when I speak
I want to know what it’s like…
To live beyond a closet door.
To see my father once more.
To show him I’m not who I was before.
I want to know what itʼs like…
To donate the blood from my vein
But because Iʼm gay I must refrain.
Why does my sexuality pertain?!
I want to know what itʼs like…
To not BE expelled from school
To not be made to look like a fool.
How is homosexuality breaking a rule?!
I want to know what it’s like…
To undo what’s been done to me.
To give sight to those who cannot see.
That I am no lesser of a human being.
I want to know what itʼs like…
To not be considered a disease.
To not have a majority I have to please.
To freely express my individualiTY.
I want to know what itʼs like…
To live in a land truly of the free.
Not a land that excludes me.
This is not how itʼs supposed to be!
I want to know what itʼs like…
To not be the target of bigotry
To not have you question my sanity
To not succumb to your superiority!
I want to know what it’s like…
To overcome all of my fears.
To uncry these countless tears.
That have been shed over the years.
I want to know what it’s like…
To learn about gay leaders of the past.
In my high school history class.
Can somebody please tell me what is so wrong with that?!
I want to know what it’s like…
To have pride.
To not have to hide.
To not have to lie my whole life.
To not have my sexuality be denied.
I want to know what it’s like…
To not have to feel this hurt inside.
To not think these thoughts in my mind.
To not contemplate suicide.
I want to know what it’s like…
To have this pain in me subside.
To heal this wound that bleeds inside.
To get back the tears that I’ve cried.
To take back the years that Iʼve tried.
To bring back the life that has died.
To unite this world’s divide.
To make change with stride.
To not stand below, but beside.
I want to know what it’s like…
To have this choice you say is mine.
To have science & religion intertwine.
To have love be redefined.
I want to know what it’s like…
To have a government that won’t instate
Unfair laws that provoke hate
For fear society will disintegrate
I want to know what itʼs like….
To live in a world without hate.
A world that does not discriminate.
A world in which I can feel safe.
Whether I am gay bi or straight.
This is the world we must create!!!
These are the decisions we must make.
These are the actions we must take.
The time is now we cannot, we must not, we will not wait.
I want to know what itʼs like…
To have equal opportunity.
To know the feeling of full equality.
To be one collective humanity.
I want to know what it’s like…
To be treated equally by my peers.
To stand alongside every queer…
On the edge of a new frontier.
A frontier that no one will dictate.
A frontier where there will be no debate.
A frontier in which everyone can relate.
A frontier made up of love and not hate.
I want to know what it’s like…
To open your eyes so you can see.
The way this world is supposed to be.
We arenʼt so different, you & me.
It hurts to be afraid of coming out to your parents, your friends, your family, to the people at Walmart or Target, even to the people you will never meet. The thing that hurts the most is that the only reason you are afraid is because you don’t want to lose the people you love. This goes for anyone having a hard time telling their family and friends that they are bisexual, lesbian, gay, transgender, pan-sexual, and so on. Free love is not so free. If people would open up their hearts and see all the tears cried from those who are afraid, maybe they would become more accepting. It’s not a phase, it’s an emotion. An uncontrollable emotion of love. Love stronger than majority of straight relationships. Kim Kardashian can be married for less than two weeks (less than 72 hours or whatever), but a gay couple who have been together for over 10 years cannot marry? What kind of fucked up world do we live in.
Miserable at best,
suicidal at worst.
Scars on my heart, scars on my chest.
Bruises, cuts, scrapes. Which one’s first?
The thought of that blade is much more pleasing,
it’s appealing and draws me in.
Then I have to stop and think I’m better off just leaving.
-mh.
Now I lay me down to sleep;
I pray Thee, Lord, my life to take.
Let me die before I wake.
I pray Thee, Lord, my life to take;
And this I ask for Jesus’ sake.
Take this pain, don’t let me wake.
Amen.
-mh.
Never again.
Deuces cause I’m done.
Say bye tonight because tomorrow may not come.
-mh.
Love those who bring you up,
drop those who bring you down.
Make ‘em spin on your finger.
Going round and round.
Be in charge,
be on top.
Just remember,
if you wanna make it somewhere,
you can never stop.
-mh.
mypureexistence 